The Wonder Chronicles: 9
Image: Prazisss via DepositPhotos
This is part of a running series. Read the previous Wonder Chronicle: On Green
Bitch or cunt is not the worst thing you can call a woman. Selfish is.
I don’t give a flying fuck about the British Royal Family. I don’t seek out news about them, but like a fungus it spreads anyway. And so, I now know of an obscene column praising Kate Middleton, who had cancer, for making a public appearance “when lesser mortals would have stayed at home.”
“Our Fair Lady: Princess of Wales’s selfless display was the tonic that Britain needed,” the headline gushed. “Catherine proved that the show goes on.”
Sickening sycophantic fuckery aside, focus if you will on the word upon which that fuckery–and “show”-- spins: selfless.
The not-dictionary definition for a selfless woman: imagine if you will a plate precariously spinning on a pole.
The not-dictionary definition of a selfish woman: she who walks up to that plate, smashes it, snaps that pole upon which it precariously spun in half and makes of it a spear that she aims at the heart of patriarchy.
Fuck your show! It will not go on.
I don’t give a flying fuck about the self-appointed “kings” of their household. All monarchs are self-appointed, but these lower-case kings come with extra insecurity. I don’t seek out news about them, but the fungus spreads. So, I now know of the obscene paean by Akhmed Yakoob, who is running as an independent in the British election, to the woman who shuts up and serves her man–i.e. The Slefless Plate Spinner.
“I’ve got nothing against women, I love women, I love my wife…But everyone has got a role in society, everyone has got a role in the household. In my household, I’m the man, I’m the king. I call the shots, and my Mrs. Alhamdulillah [praise be to God], listens to me and is appreciative.”
The not-dictionary definition for a selfless woman: she who spins herself dizzy spinning plates for the patriarchy, all the while grateful for the opportunity.
The not-dictionary definition of a selfull woman: a woman who works to abolish the monarchy in the home and at the palace.
Fuck your shots! I call my own.
One who is not grateful; a woman who is selfull.
And isn’t it wonder full! To be selfull! Because that is what a woman who is not selfless is.
Full of my self. Some might say I am full of myself. Tomatoes.Tomahtoes.
Guidelines for Being a Selfull Woman:
Find your own strength.
Own the shots. They belong to you.
Run the show. It must not go on, especially when you are sick.
Fill your self with you.
Tell the king he is full of shit.
Stop listening to monarchs, in the home, at the palace, anywhere with the exception of butterflies.
Be selfull not grateful
Grab those plates and smash them.
Stop that spinning. No one is worth your dizzy.
Aim that pole at patriarchy–the heart or neck will do.
My goal: that you are found by wonder.
My wish: that you intensely live.
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Mona Eltahawy is a feminist author, commentator and disruptor of patriarchy. She is editing an anthology on menopause called Bloody Hell! And Other Stories: Adventures in Menopause from Across the Personal and Political Spectrum. Her first book Headscarves and Hymens: Why the Middle East Needs a Sexual Revolution (2015) targeted patriarchy in the Middle East and North Africa and her second The Seven Necessary Sins For Women and Girls (2019) took her disruption worldwide. It is now available in Ireland and the UK. Her commentary has appeared in media around the world and she makes video essays and writes a newsletter as FEMINIST GIANT.
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